Initially it felt nice, it felt good, I felt being valued and acknowledged.
But now what I feel is mere suffocation, i feel as if I am being tied up brutally and by heart is being hammered again and again million of times. I feel as if the oxygen level around me is reducing with each passing day. As even someone is exerting pressure on my windpipe and i am not able to breath properly.
And moreover I am made to feel guilty again and again for the crime which I haven’t even commited.
I made sure that no one feels guilty on things, which we have no control on. So that they don’t feel that they are at fault.
But where does all the concern go when it comes to me? Why didn’t anyone even consider what I had gone through? Why didn’t anyone tell me that It was okay and it wasn’t my fault.
Nobody sees the whole picture. They don’t see the journey, what they see is just the end where I act impulsively, where I loose my calm or when I get full of taking all that in , silently.
No one acknowledges the moments where I ignored someone’s bad temper, no one sees whenever I avoided a fight, by being quiet and not revolting.
No one comes to help me or even ask me if I am okay or not?
But what everyone comes up with, are accusations, their own reasonings, they don’t even try to figure out that why I said that or what I meant, but what they do is conclude and believe whatever they see . They don’t try to find the truth. They just believe their side of the story. No one tries to see mine.
I was denied the choice. I was denied of the understanding which I deserved.
It is extremely painful. I feel BROKEN FROM INSIDE -OUT.
It feels as if a hundred fingers pointing at me, plenty of mouths counting my follies, telling me my faults, my mistakes, but what I fail to find are ears to hear my part as well, a single hand to pick me up or caress my hairs and tell me that It was okay, it happens, or all of it wasn’t my fault.
I don’t know how to get out of this situation. I don’t know which step to take, which door to knock, which path to follow. I feel stuck.
I am terrified of the thought that in the surge of what we cannot get, we may loose what we have.
And I am not in a state to bear such a huge loss!
I feel helpless.
And I am shattered beyond ,what words can explain. It started on a sweet note but what I have now are a Million of tears.
I wish it never had started. It was beautiful before. It was joyful. It made me feel free. It made me comfortable. It made me feel content and relaxed.
I truly cherish that time and miss it too. I hope I could get that back. But it’s just too late.
–Komal Ater
